Fans of Oakland were thrilled to hear about the drafting of one Nelson Gomez. Casual baseball fans might think "Why on earth is this 17 year old from Venezuala a fan favorite?" Well the answer is simple folks and it can be summarized in two words: Justin Bieber. That's right, you may have seen the video on TMZ...you know...the one where a 5'5 dude knocks Justin Bieber the fuck out? Yeah, that 5'5 Hero of Humanity is none other than Nelson "The Bieb Slayer" Gomez. After finding out his cousin Selena had been dating the obnoxious Canadian douchebag, he saved up his money and flew to California to confront the pre-pubescent piece of shit. Throughout the flight he listened to the Canuck Catastrophe's albums to further cement his hatred and wish to free humanity of his scourge. In what followed, Nelson pleaded with Selena for sanity before Justin attempted to confront him. As happens often when faux tough pissants like Bieber pick a fight, scouts say it didn't last long. Nelson's notable arm strength and lightening quick speed went into a glorious punch that knocked the stupid expression off his smug face and dropped him like a bitch. Witnesses of the incident hoisted Nelson on to their shoulders and paraded him around town like a newly elected king. Even now Oakland is hastily printing "Bieb Slayer" jerseys and shirts for their new star and are eagerly awaiting the reaction as Nelson is assigned to the Oakland rookie affiliate in Vancouver where residents of Bieber's home country are eager to embrace the man who finally ended Canada's worst act since the unleashing of Celene Dion upon the world.
Greg Pratt
(To the Tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)
This is a story all about how
My life got flip-turned upside down
And I liked to take a minute and sit right there
And tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air
In eastern Ohio born and raised
Noodle arming outfield throws is how I spent most of my days
Chilling' out, maxing', relaxing' all cool
Like most other Ohioans...never going to school
When Lebron started leaving to go be good
Left me the only non-suspended athlete in my neighborhood
I hit one lil' homerun and everybody just stared
They said nobody has ever been that good in Bel Air
I was so excited I whistled for my girl to come near
But like most Ohio girls she was ugly as shit without the beer
I can't say anything about this girl is rare
but Manziel will probaby still require I share
I pulled up to the bar about 9 or 10
Already late on 6 or 7 sexual assualts from Big Ben
I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there
the drunken morons of Ohio had truly crowned me the Prince of Bel Air
Craig Whitebread
Craig is an interesting baseball prospect. He grew up in a stable, two parent household with one sibling and healthy sense of superiority. Craig, unfortunately, is as bad a pitcher as he is a dancer. One coach described his pitching rhythm as roughly the same as watching "a dumb white kid dance." Craig made an awkward appearance at a scouting combine in which he was totally unable to tell the difference between Kiyosuke Iizuka, Hirohota Osagawa, and Yasuo Ikezawa and simply referring to them as "those good math guys". Distinctive parts of Craig's game appear to be his pocket protector jersey, serial killer mustache, draft best rating at MLTBCWSD (Most Likely to be Confused with Something Delicious) . Unsurprisingly....Craig was not drafted - once again proving White Men can't jump.....or even play a sport that doesn't require it.
No comments:
Post a Comment