BREAKING NEWS: Newly Appointed GM of Twins Found Beaten Half to Death in Philadelphia Parking Lot

Wednesday, July 16th, 2030 6:47 am
Philadelphia, PA

- Twins General Manager MstrPR was rushed to Philadelphia General Hospital in the early hours of Wednesday morning after being found beaten to a pulp at a Philadelphia gas station parking lot. He is said to be in serious condition, suffering from 4 broken ribs, a dislocated clavicle, 2 fractured wrists, an ACL tear, punctured lung and internal bleeding, but should be back to work in time for the trade deadline.

At about midnight on the 16th of July, MstrPR was enjoying a night out on the town with some old college buddies. As they made their way out of their final club destination at about 3 am, MstrPR insisted he was sober enough to drive himself to his hotel, and after a few dents into the door, MstrPR was able to plop himself into the drivers seat, fasten the seat belt and began his journey. As he pulled up to a traffic light, he noticed his gas tank just about on empty. Figuring to kill two birds with one stone, he pulled into the nearest gas station and asked the teller to "fill this bitch up". As he waited, 5 men in a black SUV pulled up along side the 1998 Honda Civic, and proceeded to drag MstrPR out of the vehicle. Using Nintendo Wii bats, ply wood and the old fashioned elbow grease, they pulverized the GM, dragging him 120 feet out of bystander sight, and continued to beat him for 15 minutes. After finishing him off with some saliva, they jumped into the SUV and sped away, leaving the bell hopping GM motionless and left for dead. Paramedics arrived just in time to stop the bleeding. Three minutes later and MstrPR would be as much history as 40/40.

It is uncertain what the motive was, but according to some sources the incident may be connected to MstrPR's infamous reign as the GM of the beloved Philadelphia Phillies,where his handy work led to a decade of disparity and embarrassment in Philly. The masses were calling for his head, but after 12 seasons one would think the fan base would have thrown the past behind them, right? WRONG!! MstrPR had never returned to the Philadelphia area since his brutal departure, and thinking all was forgotten, he naively decided to spend a weekend at a famous Philadelphia hotel. Other reports have surfaced that MstrPR has a security team of 65 men monitoring him, just in case any of the Philadelphia born nurses or doctors get any ideas to finish the job.

 In a humorous but cruel twist, the Phillies have announced that tonight's game will consist of wack-a-GM arcade battles all over Citizens Bank Park. Fans will be given 5 minutes to "wack" the MstrPR looking moles with Nintendo Wii bats and there is set to be a night of fun for the entire fan base as tonight's game has been sold out, the first Philly sell out in 6 years. The Phillies should show the brotherly love where it's due and pay for MstrPR's medical expenses with the money raised by the arcade. His beat down alone brought more revenue to the team than their cable contract. Just goes to show, when you see a guy who makes mistakes, you shouldn't get mad as a fan. Do as the Philadelphians, beat the shit out of who is in charge!